Chased by Grace

Reminders

2010-03-03T09:11:00.002-05:00

I am amazed at the efforts and lengths the Lord goes to reach us. To remind us that He is here even when we are struggling through the fog and swamps to get past our own crap and see His face. I am in such a swamp land right now, one in which I can't seem to find Him in the midst of it all, even though I know He is right there. (its like that alot isn't it?)

And yet, in that place, He give tiny reminders that He is there with us, waiting. Reminding me that He can see through all the swamp and fog and He knows exactly where He wants me to go and who he wants me to travel with and meet along the way.

I have had some of those small reminders this week and I am so grateful. So for other swamp travelers, keep an eye out and listen carefully, He is there.

Twenty Seven

2010-02-16T11:32:00.002-05:00

In honor of turning twenty-seven, being only 3 years away from 30, and having a desire to be more positive, here are 26 things I like and 1 I don't. (It was going to be 27 things I like but I'm pretty proud of the one I don't)

1. when gmail chat is experiencing difficulties and then rights itself and says, "....and we're back!" - it just makes me smile
2. my dad - he is my biggest cheerleader in life and I can honestly say no one loves me more than he does
3. my new pink polka dot tie (a small happiness in life but when you are in a tie at work 5 days a week - its big)
4. watching movies/tv in bed - i love this so much i would consider never having a couch (but that might get awkward when you have company over)
5. my friend Megan's photography, she is quite possibly the most talented person I have ever met
6. Coca~Cola - its a beautiful love affair actually that I have recently ended in hopes of smaller pants
7. high heels, I suck at wearing them but they make me feel pretty
8. gold jewelry! and I have loved it for the past 5 years or so and that BEFORE it became the new fad
9. anything vintage, this is probably why I love Anthropologie so much (its my secret ambition to gradually replace everything in my wardrobe with something from there - this will never happen)
10. The Jill and Keven wedding entrance video on youtube, I know this is cheesy and stupid but something about that is just so right, I feel like that's how all weddings should be
11. watching the winter Olympics with Susan my roommate, during any event when it looks like someone is out of control and might fall, she screams and its hysterical
12. going to Brio's happy hour just for the food and NOT ordering drinks!
13. bartending shifts (few and far between but I LOVE it)
14. scarves, I don't think I'll ever get tired of this fad
15. Gilmore Girls - quite possibly my favorite TV show of ALL TIME
16. that even though this much snow is a pain at this point, it still feels magical when you watch it snow out your window
17. living next door to the Huyetts
18. my chemistry lab - which is huge for me because i don't really like science but I like my chemistry lab, probably because my professor is awesome and lets us call her Wendy
19. the fact that when i wrote number 3, I had to seriously think about how to spell polka dot and then look it up to be sure - its a little sad but pretty funny
20. wearing scrubs, a good 20% of why I'm excited to be a nurse one day
21. ensemble casts in movies, its just more fun that way
22. when you only like pink and red starburst and you open 4 two packs and they are ALL pinks and reds (thanks to Andrea's magic touch!)
23. procrastinating - not good for me but it sure is fun (point in case, I should be doing school work)
24. wearing a lab coat in micro this semester, it makes me feel like a doctor
25. my new jewelry case that my roommates got me, it screams Anthropologie
26. getting closer to my brother as we get older...its pretty cool
27. what I don't like: leaving voicemails, I RARELY leave voicemails, not sure why - just don't like to

and there you have it, hope you enjoyed reading!

A Valentine

2010-02-14T12:59:00.001-05:00

Dear Microbiology,

I hate you.

Love,
Sarah

One Step at a Time...

2010-02-01T22:37:00.003-05:00

So to say its been a crazy week would be a gross understatement. Classes started barely two weeks ago and already I feel behind. I had it easy last semester only taking the second half of Anatomy and Physiology and the added income of catering and house sitting. I have now found myself in the vicious cycle of needing more hours in the week for studying but not being able to afford living if I work any less - this means I am left to very carefully time manage to have just enough time to study AND work enough hours that I can meet all my financial obligations and still manage to sleep enough not to get sick :)

Weekly Recap: 48 hours in 4 days at the restaurant, $157 tow job for parking illegally when running late to one of those shifts, a trip to the verizon store for my constantly dying phone, more microbiology than one should have to read/endure in a lifetime unless teaching it, and a new hat one of my co-workers gave me (the highlight of my weekend) :)

Here's hoping for a better week :)

Valley of Vision

2010-01-27T23:21:00.002-05:00

I came across a book a while back called the Valley of Vision, which is a collection of old puritan prayers. I then proceeded to forget about it until I saw my roommate Rachel reading her copy. I borrowed it and then bought my own; the opening prayer for which the book is named is below:

Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,

Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells,
and the deeper the wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Ugh.

2010-01-25T11:49:00.001-05:00

So not a good start to the semester. Just took an online quiz and got 3 out of 5 points. That's a 60%. I haven't gotten a 60% on anything since I bombed calculus in 12th grade. Something tells me this isn't going to be an easy semester.

Re-runs

2010-01-23T18:13:00.002-05:00

For lack of anything better to write about I just have to say that I love re-runs. I love season's of shows on DVD, I think it's one of the better things the industry has done. I absolutely love watching my old favorite TV shows starting at Season 1 through the finale back to back. Plus, I've actually got hooked on at least 5 shows over the last few years by watching the re-runs first. Well done TV people.

A few of my favorites:

Gilmore Girls
Friends
Law & Order: SVU
Greys Anatomy
Bones

Back to school...Back to school....

2010-01-20T10:01:00.003-05:00

To prove to myself that I'm not a fool! Yes today is the first day of classes of my last semester at AACC and then onto a four year university! Woohoo (still not sure which one though)

To be honest there is part of me that really isn't looking forward to this semester for certain reasons, but luckily the fact that these are my last two pre-reqs gives me a sense of hope that the end of this particular leg of this dream is ending and opening into the next one; hopefully this will be enough to carry me through what will most likely be my hardest semester yet.

I just found out who my professors are for this term and it turns out I have landed myself one of the hardest Microbiology professors you can get! Of course I did...ugh. She is hard and tough and demands a lot but I've heard that if you can truly study and understand her material the way she wants, you will walk away with a strong knowledge of the subject matter. I'm just hoping to walk away with an A.

P.S. To Megan - thanks for commenting! And now that's 3 in 8 months :)

First time for everything...

2010-01-19T22:54:00.002-05:00

So I have been toying with the idea of training to be a bartender at the restaurant where I work. In some ways this would be an odd job for me considering I hate the taste of beer, wine, hard liquor, and pretty much every type of alcohol there is....well with the exception of Malibu Rum when mixed with cranberry juice - girly but I'm ok with that because I am, after all, a girl.

So I finally asked my manager who informed me that he would let me train only if i agreed to pick up the only remaining bartending shift up for grabs; I told him I would think about it. Less than 24 hours later, it had already been picked up by another server.... such is life right?

So I worked a double today and I was hoping to get put in the pub downstairs so that I could at least "unofficially" train with the bartender down there but I didn't get in touch with the night manager before she assigned sections. When I did finally get a chance to ask her, she informed me I would be spending the night shift.....BEHIND THE BAR! Basically the second bartender gave his shift away to a server instead of a bartender and I was the one who got to fill in for the second bartender slot. This did come with a fairly annoying catch but I won't get into that.

So after one short evening behind the bar, I learned several new drinks, poured a lot of beers, spilled a few times and messed up two margaritas, but all in all, it was a good night.

Cheers!

Let's try this again

2010-01-18T10:58:00.002-05:00

So for any of you who randomly check this, and I'm guessing its down to maybe one person because of my lack of posting, I'm going to try and use this again. I'm not sure for what purposes yet but in time we'll see. So if you have the patience, check back and hopefully there will be some interesting things on here; no promises though :)

2009-05-20T08:07:00.002-04:00

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." ~ Philippians 2: 3-4

This verse seems simple and to the point, and yet we have to fight off our very sin nature to accomplish even a small fraction of the selflessness to which we are called. However, it is the Holy Spirit in us that makes this not only possible, but gives it the opportunity to grow into our new nature in Christ Jesus.

The thing I'm learning though is that this quality of selflessness isn't just the simple act of thinking of others instead of yourself. It goes deeper, and into many areas and relationships in life. For me I'm learning that at times, this means thinking of things and situations through another's eyes rather than my own. Rather than seeing only how it affects me and makes me feel a certain way; I am called to see that other person's life and situation, maybe just in that one hour of their lives and see how this situation is from their point of view. It's a lot harder than it sounds, especially if we are dealing with hurt or frustration because we know that those feelings are real. But what I think we are called to in these few verses is to step out of those feelings and see the situation from the other's point of view before we really solidify our thoughts/perceptions.

For me in particular, this is a daunting task because I live by my emotions and it is a huge challenge to put aside how I am feeling and really take a deeper look at the current situation. But I'm learning that in laying that down and considering the other person, there is sometimes a peace that is found, an understanding now present. And this can bring more joy into our lives, the act of thinking of others before ourselves.

Charles Spurgeon says "Beloved, depend upon it, our miseries grow at the root of our selfishness. Where selfishness begins, sorrow begins; and where selfishness is dead, grief is dead. Remember that our sorrows usually spring out of ourselves; and that, when self is

conquered, sorrow is to a great extent banished from the human heart. "

Introduction to Christ

2009-05-18T10:12:00.002-04:00

So my dad sent me a link to a video of Steve Harvey giving what he called his introduction to Christ (I guess he was asked how he would introduce Jesus to a room full of people). The words and video are below. Just so simple and yet so true an amazing when you realize the truth of it all.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my honor to introduce a man who needs no introduction. His credits are too long to list! He has done the impossible time after time! He hails out of a manger in Bethlehem and Jerusalem by way of Heaven! His mother is still headlining in the Catholic church today! His Daddy is the author of a book that has been on the best seller list since the beginning of time! He holds the record for the world's greatest fish fry! He fed five thousand hungry souls with two fish and five loaves of bread! He can walk on water, turn water into wine, no special effects, no camera tricks. He has a head shot on every church van across the country! Jesus, before the Kings of Comedy, he was hailed the King of all Kings, Ruler of the Universe, Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end, the bright and the Morning Star! Some say he is the Rose of Sharon and some say he is the Prince of Peace. Get up on your feet, put your hands together and show your love for the Second Coming of the One and Only!"

Beautiful Scandalous Night

2009-05-04T08:18:00.005-04:00

I was just in North Carolina for Ginny Ficker's wedding to her now husband Mark Evans. While I was there I stayed with one of my closest and dearest friends, Torrey and her husband Jay. I love visiting them; it's equivalent to walking in an open field while inhaling pure oxygen and talking with Jesus (I know that's a lot of things but its the best way I can think of to describe it). Their relationship to each other and to the Lord is of constant encouragement to me. One of the other reasons I love visiting them is going to their church. They attend North Wake which is in the town of Wake Forest, NC. It is a wonderful place full of a community of believers who are all about Christ and seeking his will and glorification. In worship yesterday, they played Beautiful Scandalous Night which is a song that always stirs my heart as I listen to the amazing words that tell of the night He died for us all. The lyrics are below and I love reading over them while I listen and being amazed at the simple fact that we can "go under and be purified", that "we're atoned by His blood and forever washed white".

Go on up to the mountain of mercy

To the crimson perpetual tide

Kneel down on the shore

Be thirsty no more

Go under and be purified

Follow Christ to the holy mountain

Sinner sorry and wrecked by the fall

Cleanse your heart and your soul

In the fountain that flowed

For you and for me and for all

At the wonderful, tragic, mysterious tree

On that beautiful, scandalous night you and me

Were atoned by His blood and forever washed white

On that beautiful, scandalous night

On the hillside, you will be delivered

At the foot of the cross justified

And your spirit restored

By the river that poured

From our blessed Savior's side

Go on up to the mountain of mercy

To the crimson perpetual tide

Kneel down on the shore

Be thirsty no more

Go under and be purified

~ Smalltown Poets

I'm Moving!!!

2009-05-01T14:26:00.002-04:00

Okay I'm moving but not out of state or anything, but to a new house with wonderful girls and I'm so excited! I will be moving to a house off of West Street in Annapolis with Rachel, Susan, Gabe, and eventually another person as well most likely! They have been so great while I mulled over my decision and I'm so excited! Meet my new roomies!

I think I can I think I can...

2009-04-09T10:38:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I feel like the Little Engine That Could... or Could Not actually. I knew working full time and going to school would be tough but I'm at that point where I am running out of steam. With only 4 weeks left of the semester I am in 2 courses with about 8 or 10 classes left in each, 1 or 2 more quizzes, 2 more regular exams, and 2 finals. Maybe I'll go buy that book and figure out his secret....

Ode To Diane

2009-02-02T08:13:00.000-05:00

Okay so this isn't really and ode per say, basically just a post so Diane will stop pointing out how pathetic my blog is :) so I guess I'll just give an update on my life for those of you that even look at this anymore (which I don't' think is anyone)

1. I am currently enrolled in class pursing my BS in Nursing (right now I'm in the middle of Anatomy and Physiology which is kicking my butt, and Statistics)
2. Still working at a Web Design firm in Columbia, MD.
3. Still living in Annapolis (Eastport).
4. Realizing as I'm writing this that its not as exciting to talk about your life when all you do is work and study :)
5. I am bummed that the Cardinals didn't win the Superbowl last night, and somewhat disappointed in their defense for not holding off the Steelers on that last drive.
6. I am excited to go to Philly on the 15th with David and see 2 wonderful people who love me very much (Jess and Bethann)
7. I am exactly 13 days away from turning 26, which I am realizing is starting to feel "old".

I think 7 is good for now.

2008-06-04T08:45:00.000-04:00

So I've been reading this book by Paula Rinehart entitled "Better Than My Dreams". Its been fantastic but as most books do, it stirs up my heart, makes me think A LOT, and pushes me to meditate on what Christ would have me learning through it. So basically I get all quiet and emotional :)

So this morning I woke up late and decided to grab my copy of Utmost for His Highest and see what Chambers had to say today, You can read it below:

What line of thinking do my thoughts take? Do I turn to what God says or to my own fears? Am I simply repeating what God says, or am I learning to truly hear Him and then to respond after I have heard what He says? "For He Himself has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ So we may boldly say: ’The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?’ " ( Hebrews 13:5-6 ).

"I will never leave you . . ."— not for any reason; not my sin, selfishness, stubbornness, nor waywardness. Have I really let God say to me that He will never leave me? If I have not truly heard this assurance of God, then let me listen again.

"I will never . . . forsake you." Sometimes it is not the difficulty of life but the drudgery of it that makes me think God will forsake me. When there is no major difficulty to overcome, no vision from God, nothing wonderful or beautiful— just the everyday activities of life— do I hear God’s assurance even in these?

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing— that He is preparing and equipping us for some extraordinary work in the future. But as we grow in His grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, at this very moment. If we have God’s assurance behind us, the most amazing strength becomes ours, and we learn to sing, glorifying Him even in the ordinary days and ways of life.

What encouraged me about this writing was the last two paragraphs. Not so much that I think or feel as though God has forsaken me, but I do catch myself in that mindset of "is this all there is?" when the drudgery of my job or living in Annapolis away from community gets to me. The times where I have experienced Christ the most have been times, such as Chambers mentions above, where there was a difficulty to overcome, a vision from God, or something wonderful and beautiful spurring my spirit on. So when the everyday life lacks those things that have previously brought me to the foot of the cross, discouragement seeps in...

But its encouraging to be reminded that God is in the small places in life, that while there are different chapters and some may seem "bigger" than others, God is the same throughout. He may have had specific ways in which he desired to grow me when times were in the valley or on the mountain; but I know that God is good and that he has plans for my growth at all points in my life, I simply need to seek His face and allow Him to continue to shape me and mold me into the woman he wants me to be.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I'm trying to see Him in the seemingly mundane aspects of my life, in those places I least expect to experience Him (my job, my living situation, my lack geographically close community) and realize that even in what seems like the drudgery of everyday life, the Lord is apparent and ever present, longing to grow me more.

Beatiful Words

2008-05-06T10:41:00.000-04:00

Jeremy Riddle "Sweetly Broken"

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

"Love Deeply"

2008-01-10T08:01:00.000-05:00

Henry J. M. Nouwen's book, The Inner Voice of Love, was written during the most difficult time of his life, a time of deep anguish that he eventually walked out of into freedom. I had heard of it in passing, and then my mom actually bought two of his books, this being one of them. So i finally took a look at it this morning. Nouwen encourages the reader not too read too many of them at once, that "they were written over a long period of time and need to be read that way too." The book has a table of contents and each "spiritual imperative" is titled based on the subject of that particular one. I took a look and skimmed a few, and then went back to the one entitled "Love Deeply". For those of you that really know me (David, Bethann, and others) it probably does not surprise you that I chose this one.

Love is this incredibly complex thing, and yet its not all at the same time. (DS-I know that is a completely contradictory statement, like saying your simplicity makes you complicated) But really, it takes us a lifetime to discover most of the spectrum's of love. Love for a Savior, love for a parent, love for a friend, love for a Savior, love for a boyfriend-fiance-husband, love for those friends in your life who are your inner circle, love for a Savior, love for a child... this list is endless. I think that only God has the full capacity to experience love in every way shape and form and understand it. Loving is what most deeply connects us with God and with each other, a mutual love for Christ. Our salvation was born out of an act of love, when we accept God's gift of his Son, it is out of love. Our surrender to Christ daily, comes from love. It is this central concept to everything it seems like. And yet, there is a harsh reality that comes with love, and that is pain.

Someone once told me that I put my whole heart into things and that is why I end up more hurt. In the midst of pain I saw that as my weakness and thought how next time I wouldn't put so much in. Truthfully, loving someone, whether they are a friend, parent, child, or significant other, is amazing and I can imagine not putting my whole heart into it. It is a wonderful feeling to love someone, I mean deeply love someone, and its equally amazing when you are loved in return. So every time there is someone that is brought into my life to love, I love with my whole heart, which might sound masochistic, but Nouwen wouldn't agree, and I don't either.

He says in the first sentence of this entry "Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply." Now anyone who has loved and lost might scoff at this statement, but I have love and lost many people in my life, whether by distance, time, choice, or even death; and this sentence rings true with my heart. Of course there may have been times where in the midst of fresh pain I might have said silently to myself some silly pact about never putting my heart out there again, but then the pain subsides and you remember who God is and that he is love. I think sometimes I feel this residual pain from the past few years of my life, losing friends and experiences, the change in where my life was or is. I know that at times I feel broken, not in the good sense such as broken before the Lord, but broken as in not working properly. I feel it most when I have a conversation with someone and I hurt them because of what I am feeling and thinking and saying. I feel broken.

I love this passage because it reminds me that I'm not. It reminds me that "the more you have loved and allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper"; that "as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear".

I know that because of all that I have encountered in the various realms of love, any pain in any area of that has worked that I might love more deeply still. And that is Christ at work in me.

Finally....

2008-01-09T09:58:00.000-05:00

So I haven't really posted anything in a really long time, and even when I did, it was song lyrics or a picture or something. Kind of a cop-out, I know. Well this one will "involve" song lyrics but it won't be the majority of the post! So I found out about a CD release by this great young married couple in Delaware. I wasn't sure whether I wanted to buy the CD though since I hadn't really heard a lot of their music. Well lucky me, my dear friend Jess Ruggieri bought it for me for Christmas!!

Can I just say that these two people are so incredibly talented. I love this album, as anyone who has ridden in my car the last several weeks can attest, (I play it constantly). Jess and I were talking about the album and since she went to the release concert, she got to hear the origin behind each song. After that conversation I paid particular attention to song number four. On the album they have sort of a theme word associated with each song, number four is I think "grace" but I'll have to double check. Anyways, I have listened to this song over and over because in a way it is the cry of my heart at this point in my life, well, and every point... you'll see why.....

"CALLED BEAUTY" by Jenny and Tyler Somers

"daily i could look at the gold and the fine, fine
silver with which You have adorned my arms
and neck and fingers

so i was called beauty in the eyes
these gifts assured me You were mine
so I was called beauty in the eyes of my God and
the angels

yet i sold all the jewels that You gave to me
and i used all the cash on other lovers i’d see
hoping that none would discover this feat
of the muck and the mire i’d continue to feast

daily i could take in the scent of the fragrance
You’ve sprinkled on me and all the clothes
made of cashmere You give cause’ You call me
lovely daily i could look at how fair i was
because of You instead i’d forget what You’ve
given and living for suitors i’d choose

still i remain treasured in the eyes of my God
and the angels

yet i sold all the jewels that You gave to me
and i used all the cash on other lovers i’d see
hoping that none would discover this feat
of the muck and the mire i’d continue to feast

do not spare the rod how i long for faithfulness
tell me once again of Your grace and woo me
in let not these lovers be more attractive
than You God

remind me of love remind of You Jesus all of
You

still i remain treasured in the eyes"
_______________________________________________

This song amazes me, the depth of the words they chose to use and how blunt at times. I constantly take what the Lord has given me and I sell it use it to fill myself with other things. The part that really struck a chord with me is the bridge (I underlined it above).

"Do not spare the rod" this isn't something you would think we would ask for, but really, if we long for faithfulness as the next line says, than we should be willing to be broken and shaped and taught. I do long for faithfulness, and if that means using the rod them I surrender to that, to Him. "Tell me once again of your grace and woo me in" it breaks my heart to know that I have to be reminded of His grace, that which is so abundant in my life and all around me, that I would forget it and need to be reminded of it, and yet, it is an utter cry that I know He will answer. "Let not these lovers be more attractive than you God" how many times do I get distracted by things that seem "more attractive" than who Christ is?

Lord, that you would unveil my eyes that I may see your glory and not be distracted. Do not spare the rod on me, break me and change me Lord, "remind me of love, remind me of you"

Family Pictures

2007-12-10T14:13:00.001-05:00

"The Bond's" (that is until Morgan and I get married one day.... we gotta stick together as the only girls in this picture able to marry OUT of the family)

Me and Morgan

How cute is that?

Seriously, one of the cutest, sweetest babies EVER.

Sara Groves "It Might be Hope"

2007-11-29T09:18:00.000-05:00

You do your work the best that you can

you put one foot in front of the other

life comes in waves and makes it's demands

you hold on as well as your able

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you

just when you least expect it

you walk in a room

you look out a window

and something there leaves you breathless

you say to yourself

it's been a while since I felt this

but it feels like it might be hope

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame

it's been dark since you can remember

you talk it all through to find it a name

as days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning it's face to you

just when you least expect it

you walk in a room

you look out a window

and something there leaves you breathless

you say to yourself

it's been a while since I felt this

but it feels like it might be hope

Sara Groves "When the Saints"

2007-11-01T13:11:00.000-04:00

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know
It's more than I can handle
But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones
and I can’t let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left un-fought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind
it all can overwhelm me
but I think of all who've gone before them and lived the faithful life
their courage compels me

And when I'm weary and overwrought
with so many battles left un-fought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaohs court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary at the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sisters standing by the dying mans side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come and kicking down that door

I see the man of sorrow and his long troubled road
I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load

And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them
And when the Saints go marching in
I want to be one of them

Baby Pictures!

2007-10-26T08:17:00.001-04:00

Baby Lilyanna

Mommy and Aunt Sarah

Aunt Sarah with Lilyanna

All the SP Aunties, Mommy, and Lilyanna

I'M AN AUNT!!!!!

2007-10-25T08:59:00.000-04:00

One of my oldest and closest friends, Diane Mallare, who happens to be married to one of my other oldest friends, Jason, welcomed their first child into the world this morning!!!!!!

LILYANNA BARNETT MALLARE

was born at 7:29 am weighing

8lbs 5ozs

And a fierce 21"

L.B. Cowman is the woman!

2007-10-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

So I was reading in "Streams in the Desert" and I was searching through by subject and came across the entry for February 9th. It tells a story of a woman who had a dream she saw three women praying. The Lord walked past each of them; the first he bent down and touched and spoke tender words of love to; the second he touched on the shoulder and smiled approvingly; the third he pasted by, with a quick glance. The woman told herself that he must have loved the first the best, the second less than that, and that the third must have greived him. He responds with this:

"O woman! how wrongly hast
thou interpreted Me. The first kneeling woman
needs all the weight of My tenderness and care to
keep her feet in My narrow way. She needs My
love, thought and help every moment of the day.
Without it she would fail and fall.

"The second has stronger faith and deeper love,
and I can trust her to trust Me however things
may go and whatever people do.

"The third, whom I seemed not to notice, and even
to neglect, has faith and love of the finest
quality, and her I am training by quick and
drastic processes for the highest and holiest
service."

He expands on that further below, and if I had to try and sum up all of who I want to be in life (which can be wrapped up into who I want to be in Christ) this would be it.:

"She knows Me so intimately, and trusts Me so
utterly, that she is independent of words or
looks or any outward intimation of My approval.
She is not dismayed nor discouraged by any
circumstances through which I arrange that she
shall pass; she trusts Me when sense and reason
and every finer instinct of the natural heart
would rebel;--because she knows that I am working
in her for eternity, and that what I do, though
she knows not the explanation now, she will
understand hereafter.

"I am silent in My love because I love beyond the
power of words to express, or of human hearts to
understand, and also for your sakes that you may
learn to love and trust Me in Spirit-taught,
spontaneous response to My love, without the spur
of anything outward to call it forth."

I am going to be an auntie!

2007-10-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

This is one of my oldest and dearest friends, Diane, and that is her wonderful belly carrying my neice/nephew... although I am ardently certain it will be a neice.... either way, I will be an auntie! I cannot wait and I am so excited for her and her husband Jason! So fun. She is due October 21.... only 12 more days. Please keep her in your prayers.

Encouragement

2007-09-27T10:40:00.001-04:00

An encouragement from a dear friend in my life....

"O Lord, be gracious to us;

we long for you.

Be our strength every morning,

our salvation in time of distress."

Isaiah 33:2

2007-09-25T09:22:00.000-04:00

On the way to work this morning I fell under what I think is a far too common notion in the life of a believer today....

I found myself thinking and praying and longing for an experience that would stir my spirit and propell me forward into a great trek with Christ. What came to mind was a retreat or study, reading a certain book, or giving myself away on a missions trip. These are all well and good and experiences that I think the Lord would encourage us to have, however, they are not the end all be all of our spiritual experiences.

What I mean is this; my thought process this morning was longing for intimacy with Christ and transformation of my broken, sinful self into that which is who God longs for me to be. And that in itself is a beautiful thought and I am utterly gracious that the Holy Spirit is at work in my life. But then here I go, taking that yearning and stripping it of its integrity by scheming of ways I could attain that (i.e. listening to sermons, going on a retreat, doing a missions project).

The point is that I cannot attain that, it is bestowed upon me, by the grace of God and through the work of the Holy Spirit, and as a result of obedience and faith in the good news of Christ. (I mentioned earlier when Derek Webb was telling a story of Martin Luther, and how he preached the gospel week after week, because week after week his congregation walked in looking like a people who didn't believe the gospel.)

This morning this is was I felt like; not because of what I just told you about, but just in general lately. I have become fruststrated with the person I am, and in response to that I have tried to come up with ways to change that; unfortunately my ways will only produce behavior modification at best.

But what I really need is transformation and sanctification. What I really need to is to live as one who is believes and is truly liberated by the truth of the gospel. It is there, in that utter simple truth of the cross, that I will meet Christ, there that he will stir my spirit and say "I love you, Sarah. I forgive you, no sin is too great for me to remove, my grace is more than sufficent for your life. Stand up, walk with me, and I will continue the good work I have begun in you."

Some of Spurgeon's Thoughts on Grace

2007-09-20T12:47:00.000-04:00

Grace is the mother and nurse of holiness, and not the apologist of sin.

The more grace we have, the less we shall think of ourselves, for grace, like light, reveals our impurity.

I hope that none of you think that you have more grace than you need, because you have not. You may, possibly, have as much grace as will last you through to-day; but you will need as much as that to-morrow morning, if not more.

Grace does not make us unearthly, though it makes us unworldly.

A seat in heaven shall one day be thine; but a chain in hell would have been thine if grace had not changed thee.

I know not a word which can express the surprise and wonder our souls ought to feel at God’s goodness to us. Our hearts playing the harlot; our lives far from perfect; our faith almost blown out; our unbelief often prevailing; our pride lifting up its accursed head; our patience a poor sickly plant, almost nipped by one night’s frost; our courage little better than cowardice; our love lukewarmness; our ardour but as ice—oh, my dear brethren, if we will but think any one of us what a mass of sin we are, if we will but reflect that we are after all, as one of the fathers writes, “walking dunghills,” we should indeed be surprised that the sun of divine grace should continue so perpetually to shine upon us, and that the abundance of heaven’s mercy should be revealed in us.

Too many professors are quarrelling with God that they are not other than they are. This is evil, and shows that pride is still in their hearts, for were they conscious of their own deserts they would know that anything short of hell is more than we deserve, and as long as we are not in the pit of torment gratitude becomes us.

We are accustomed not only to say “grace,” but “free grace.” It has been remarked that this is a tautology. So it is, but it is a blessed one, for it makes the meaning doubly clear and leaves no room for mistake. Since it is evidently objectionable to those who dislike the doctrine intended, it is manifestly forcible, and therefore we will keep to it. We feel no compunction in ringing such a silver bell twice over—grace, free grace.

Our God will supply us with those choice graces and consolations which shall strengthen us to glorify his name even in the fires. He will either make the burden lighter, or the back stronger; he will diminish the need, or increase the supply.

That thou shouldest die for me remains the greatest of all miracles in my esteem. That thou shouldest choose me, and call me, and pardon me, and save me, is a world of wonders, at which my soul stands gratefully amazed.

This is how grace works; it enters the soul, penetrates the heart, saturates the conscience, abides in the memory, affects the affections, gives understanding to the understanding, and imparts real life to the heart, which is the seat of life.

Talk of millions and of billions,—we must get into the inconceivable before we can estimate the infinite, the unutterable value of those gifts which Jesus Christ continually gives to us, which grace pours into our lap from the cornucopia of love.

If God had begun saving us because we were good, he would of course leave off saving us when we were not good.

Grace is the free favour of God, the undeserved bounty of the ever-gracious Creator against whom we have offended, the generous pardon, the infinite, spontaneous loving-kindness of the God who has been provoked and angered by our sin, but who, delighting in mercy, and grieving to smite the creatures whom he has made, is ever ready to pass by transgression, iniquity, and sin, and to save his people from all the evil consequences of their guilt.

I do not doubt, brethren, that there is a grace which precedes quickening, a grace for which theology has no name, which prepares the soul for the reception of the divine Word, which makes the soul ready before the living seed comes.

If grace does not make you to differ from your own surroundings, is it really grace at all?

"Shelter" by Sandra McCracken

2007-09-19T10:56:00.000-04:00

In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I’ll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone

And the longing that makes me believe…

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here…

Ancestry

2007-09-18T08:42:00.000-04:00

You can find the definition of ancestry here; but we all know that basically its means our history, who we came from. Well first in line our my parents, Jack and Sheryl. And then of course my grandparents, Jack, Mary, Bob, and Myrtle (yes, Myrtle), who were all unique and fantastic in their own ways. Only Myrtle is still with us, and even then, she really isn't "with us" because she has Alzheimer's, so she is off in her own little "Neverland". But as we like to say, "she's as happy as a clam". Which by the way, what does that even mean, 'happy as a clam'?

Okay, sorry, not the point of this post. Anyways, I wanted to let you all in on a little piece of Myrtle's life and the cool woman I partially came from. She was a bowler, and a quite good one at that; I'm not sure I inherited those skills - based on the last time I played!

So if you go and visit the National Duckpin Bowling Congress site, and look on the Superior Performance page, you will see my grandmother's name on the right hand side: Myrtle Liphard, Baltimore, MD - 1998.

Way to go Grandmom!

The Rest...

2007-09-13T14:39:00.000-04:00

(I thought it would be a good idea to include the rest of "Thy Mercy, My God"; it certainly deserves a whole post.)This hymn literally breaks my heart when I hear it. It takes me instantly to the foot of the cross, broken and exposed before my Savior. Grace is this undefinable and immeasurable thing that I'm not sure we can understand, only experience. And I think you know when you have experienced it, it changes you, and are able to understand more and more, how broken and sinful we are, and how great and merciful is the grace of God. I posted the second verse the other day because that is the one that really gets me. "Without they sweet mercy, I could not live here; Sin would reduce me to utter despair;", ahhh! Say that to yourself and realize the magnitude of that; because it is absolutely true. In this world, where we are fighting battles on all levels, trying to live a life that glorifies God in the midst of a culture focused on glorifying "self"; it is only by the grace and mercy of God that we are not crushed, defeated, and "reduced to utter despair" by the simple reality of the world in which we live. It's only "through Thy free goodness, my spirits revive, And he that first made me still keeps me alive." AMEN! He sustains me, he revives my broken and discouraged spirit, and keeps me alive until he returns or calls me home. And so this hymn is one very dear to my heart, that speaks of the wonderful gift that God lavishes upon us, when we need it most, and deserve it least.

"Thy Mercy, My God"

Thy mercy, my God, is the theme of my song,

The joy of my heart. and the boast of my tongue;

Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,

Hath won my affections, and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here;

Sin would reduce me to utter despair;

But, through Thy free goodness, my spirits revive,

And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,

Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart;

Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground,

And weep to the praise of the mercy I’ve found.

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own,

And the covenant love of Thy crucified Son;

All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine

Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine

Seals mercy, and pardon, and righteousness mine.

2007-09-12T09:01:00.001-04:00

"Without Thy sweet mercy I could not live here;

Sin would reduce me to utter despair;

But, through Thy free goodness, my spirits revive,

And He that first made me still keeps me alive."

from

"Thy Mercy, My God"

by John Stocker

Beauty in Words

2007-09-11T09:02:00.000-04:00

I have been realizing lately that I have become so busy in this life of running around, meeting people for dinner, running errands, etc. that there are times where I am so immersed in what I am doing that I wouldn't be able to hear the Lord is he was blowing a fog horn in my ear. And we know that at most times, when the Lord wishes to speak directly to our hearts, its in a "gentle whisper" (1 Kings 19:12). So I have begun to try and make it a point to spend more time in solitude or simply just being still. Last night, after somewhat of a down day, I laid in my room, with candles lit, listening to a new Indellible Grace album I got at their concert on Saturday while I was in Richmond. There is one song that I kept replaying over and over, I'm not sure I even caught all the words when I was listening to it last night, but it was overwhelming the calming and yet stirring effect it had on me. I'm looking forward to digging into it and looking for what God might be whispering to me in it.

"Jesus, I my Cross Have Taken"

by Henry Lyte

1. Jesus, I my cross have taken,

All to leave and follow Thee.

Destitute, despised, forsaken,

Thou from hence my all shall be.

Perish every fond ambition,

All I’ve sought or hoped or known.

Yet how rich is my condition!

God and heaven are still my own.

2. Let the world despise and leave me,

They have left my Savior, too.

Human hearts and looks deceive me;

Thou art not, like them, untrue.

O while Thou dost smile upon me,

God of wisdom, love, and might,

Foes may hate and friends disown me,

Show Thy face and all is bright.

3. Man may trouble and distress me,

’Twill but drive me to Thy breast.

Life with trials hard may press me;

Heaven will bring me sweeter rest.

Oh, ’tis not in grief to harm me

While Thy love is left to me;

Oh, ’twere not in joy to charm me,

Were that joy unmixed with Thee.

4. Go, then, earthly fame and treasure,

Come disaster, scorn and pain

In Thy service, pain is pleasure,

With Thy favor, loss is gain

I have called Thee Abba Father,

I have stayed my heart on Thee

Storms may howl, and clouds may gather;

All must work for good to me.

5. Soul, then know thy full salvation

Rise o’er sin and fear and care

Joy to find in every station,

Something still to do or bear.

Think what Spirit dwells within thee,

Think what Father’s smiles are thine,

Think that Jesus died to win thee,

Child of heaven, canst thou repine.

6. Haste thee on from grace to glory,

Armed by faith, and winged by prayer.

Heaven’s eternal days before thee,

God’s own hand shall guide us there.

Soon shall close thy earthly mission,

Soon shall pass thy pilgrim days,

Hope shall change to glad fruition,

Faith to sight, and prayer to praise.

Have Mercy....

2007-08-30T09:15:00.000-04:00

When I see that title I immediately think of Uncle Jesse from "Full House" which I guess immediately dumbs down the tone of this post..... but seriously.... here we go:

"Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love; according to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions." Psalm 51:1

David writes this after his conversation with Nathan the prophet. The Lord sent Nathan to see David, and to speak truth into his life about his sin, through a simple story. 2 Samuel 12 records the story of Nathan confronting David about his sin with Bathsheba and his orchestration of Uriah's death. Nathan tells a story which enrages David and causes him to cast judgement on the "criminal" in the story, not realizing, as Nathan puts it, "“You are that man!" In Psalm 32 and Psalm 51 are the two places in Psalms where David reflects upon his sin; the first in Psalm 32: 3-4 where he remembers how:

"When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted away Through my groaning all day long. 4 For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; My vitality was drained away as with the fever heat of summer."

And then in the verse above from Psalm 51. There is something so pure and utterly desperate about verse 1 of chapter 51 that strikes a chord in my spirit. David has been slammed with his sin, called out by someone he knows and trusts, and called about by his Lord. He is exposed and desolate as he crawls before the throne of God, seeking mercy and forgiveness. And yet, in this deep state of despair, I envy David. I long to be broken by my sin in such a way that I become aware and transformed by the fact that Christ is my saving grace and my portion forever; that He delivers grace and mercy when none is deserved.

I think that as believers, as least for myself, if we are honest with ourselves, we live our lives somewhat ignorant of our sin, however minor it may seem, and in that we lose sight of how desperately in need we are of God's grace and mercy. Just look at David, he was called "a man after God's own heart" and yet he was blind to some major sin in his life, consistently falling short of the glory of God; as we all do. But the difference in David, is that he never remained in darkness permanently, but was made aware of his sin, as if standing in a spotlight, by the power of the Lord in his life. David was a man who experienced the unfathomable grace of God, over and over again; and he was transformed because of it. I want to be that person, I want to be a woman after God's own heart, that lives in freedom rather than slavery, and that lives in the light of God's grace and mercy.

Here is what I have learned and been mulling over in terms of our sin as believers. In his CD entitled "The House Show", Derek Webb is discussing the song "Nobody Loves Me" and he said this concerning our sin.....

"We have got to be honest. We should have no fear in being honest to one another about who we really are - not just offering up the sins that we feel safe confessing, but being completely bold, completely forthcoming about who we really are, and saying "I am going to stop hiding from you, and I am going to tell who I really am because I believe the gospel is really true."I can only admit who I really am to you because I believe Jesus is who he really is as well. You will never be truly filled w/ joy unless you truly know yourself for who you are. And until you are a real sinner with a real savior, you will be a hypothetical and theoretical sinner, with a hypothetical and theoretical savior..." he goes onto say:

"If you confess, ‘aw man I know I’m sinful, scripture tells me, we’ve all fallen short right, and that’s me too man I’m sinful’; but you can’t honestly put your finger on one sin you committed all day; because your view of sin has become nothing more than this cultural hiding game, then you’re not experiencing real joy. Because if all I can confess is the knowledge of how sin has affected me, but not any of my real sins, if I don’t really know that I’m sinful, then I don’t really know and I’m not truly encouraged by the fact that I’m saved; because saved from what? If I’m not really sinful, then what’s the big deal, what’s the good news? It’s just news. But if you know yourself, as exposed by the cross, then I believe that you will begin to experience true joy because you will not be constantly looking over your shoulder all the time, constantly checking the knots in this great suit of fig leaves you have sown for yourself, but rather you will be comfortably exposed in your sin and boasting in your great savior. Charles Spurgeon once said, 'If your sin is small, then your savior will be small also. But if your sin is great, then your savior must be great.' And folks, our savior is great..."

I remember the first time I was listening to this CD; this whole section before "Nobody Loves Me" really hit me and compelled me to examine my heart. I took a good look at my life and my heart and realized that I couldn't really point out specifics times that I had sinned that day; there in lies my problem, I didn't even realize the depth of my own sin. What Spurgeon says in response to a realization like that is that "if your sin is small, then your savior will be small also." Spurgeon isn't encouraging us to sin great so that God is great. Christ is great no matter what, no amount of sinning or lack of sinning changes His worth. But for ourselves, in our own lives and relationships with our Savior, if our sin is small, then He will remain small to us as well. Over the following weeks after hearing all of this, I began to pray that the Lord would reveal my sin to me, to teach me to "know myself, as exposed by the cross"; and he did. It was incredibly humbling to have my transgressions laid before me by the Holy Spirit, to be confronted with the ways in which I defiantly chose selfishness, pomposity, and ultimately sin over life in the Spirit. And this wasn't a one time thing; this is a purifying fire that I have had to ask the Lord to pour out on me time and time again, because as Martin Luther puts its "time and time again I forget it". Derek Webb brings up a story about Martin Luther and his ministry a few years after the Reformation...

"[Martin Luther] had a church there that he was pasturing over and some came to him from his congregation and asked “Pastor why is it that week after week after week, all you ever preach to us is the gospel”, (implying certainly that you know we are ready to move on to something else, you know, certainly we know this by now), why is it that you continue to preach it to us week after week? And Luther’s response was, “well, because week after week you forget it; because week after week you walk in here looking like a people who don’t believe the gospel. And until you walk in looking like a people who are truly liberated by the truth of the gospel, I’m going to continue to preach it to you”; and till his dying day he did."

It is the desire of my heart, and a most ardent prayer that I would live as someone who is "truly liberated by the truth of the gospel" that I might rejoice and be encouraged by the fact that I am saved and set free in Christ; "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)

For Andy

2007-08-29T09:54:00.000-04:00

This is for my dear friend Andy Wilson who is currently in law school at the University of Miami.

Alas, I have not kept this up as regularly as I have wanted. It has been a hectic and crazy August full of work, more work, vacation, spending time with some amazing people, and attempting to get settled into my new life in good old SP.

Do not fear, as I suspect none of you are who actually check this regularly (which I think is only Andy-bless his heart), I will begin updating more regularly soon.

Have a wonderful day, whoever and wherever you are!

Thoughts...

2007-08-02T08:32:00.000-04:00

I was driving to work this morning; and through a series of thoughts, prayers, music, and a conversation on the local christian station, I felt like the Lord sort of tapped me on the shoulder. What a great feeling. I'm a fairly thoughtful person, in the sense that I think through things often, probably more than I should. In the last year I think I've experience more and more what it means to thirst for Christ. Something about this morning, the peacefulness of the drive, listening to Third Day on the radio singing "Cry Out to Jesus"; brought me into the awareness that I long for Jesus, for my Savior. I love many people in my life, and I love them fiercely. I miss them when I'm not near them, long to speak with them and be with them when too long has passed since we have been together; and I always was concerned that I loved/longed for those relationships more than I did for the Lord. But that isn't true; its completely different. The love I feel for Christ and the longing inside me to know Him and be known by Him, to live in continual communion with Him, absolutely nothing compares to that. It is such a deeper, soul defining love and longing when it is for Jesus. And it's that yearning that helps me understand more and more each day that "I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord" (Philippians 3:8). Don't get me wrong, there are many things in this life I love: family, friends, sunshine, laughing, a good movie, running and playing, reading at sunset... but in the light of knowing Jesus Christ intimately and continually... yeah those other things can't hold a candle to that. Why then, do I sometimes make those things a priority, why do I sometimes seek those things more fervently then I seek my Savior?

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:21-25

There is nothing of my own strength or merit that will lead me to a life of passionate pursuit of Christ; but out of His mercy and grace, He leads me to the foot of His throne, and it is there that I find rest.

2007-07-26T08:37:00.000-04:00

"In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die. The reason for this is that I am born in selfishness and therefore my natural efforts to make myself more real and more myself, make me less real and less myself, because they revolve around a lie."
~ Thomas Merton

I can't help but realize that at times this is me. I lose sight of seeking the face of Christ and begin to pour all my focus into reshaping my character and going down a check list of spiritual practices that I feel will make me more holy. It is heartbreaking how easy it is to fall into this. In the light of who Christ is, His unfathomable love for us, and His gracious mercy; how can i be so easily distracted by myself? Because, as Merton says, "we were born in selfishness". It is part of our sin nature and what comes so natural to us. But I believe there is something strong enough to break that in me, and that is Jesus Christ and what was done on the cross. But if I don't make it a priority everyday to remember that sacrifice, that pure act of selflessness that is the basis of my faith, then I will get lost in my own journey for righteousness apart from the Lord, who says,

"There is no one righteous, not even one;.." (Romans 3:10)

I cannot find righteousness apart from God. And I am not to seek righteousness in the first place. I cannot earn anything and I am entitled to nothing. Paul asks "What do you have that you did not receive?"(1 Cor. 4:7)

"that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith."(Philippians 3:8-9)

So it is in Christ that I am found, in Him where righteousness is found. It is by His grace that I am saved and sanctified; made more into His likeness everyday, which is not for my glory but His and His alone.

A prayer....

2007-07-24T09:25:00.000-04:00

"But give me the strenght that waits upon You in slience and peace. Give me humility in which alone is rest, and eliver me from pride which is the heaviest of burdens. And possess my whole heart and sould with the simplicity of love. Occupy my whole life with the one thought and the one desire of love, that I may not love for the sake of merit, not for the sake of perfection, not for the sake of virtue, not for the sake of sanctity, but for You alone.

For there is only one thing that can satisfy love and reward it, and that is You alone."

Thomas Merton

Identity in Christ

2007-07-17T08:18:00.000-04:00

This is a long one . . .

Somewhere in the last year or two (maybe longer), without even realizing it, I lost myself. I lost sense of who I was, or rather who I am in Christ. There are times where I think I would sense hints of that, of not really knowing my true self, but I would shrug it off and blame on my current circumstances at the time, or relationships that were in my life. I told a friend once that I felt as though I didn't have any of my "mirrors" around me. You know, those people who know you better than you know yourself and can reflect back to you who you really are. She told me that maybe that was for a reason, and that really I needed to let the One who created me be my mirror.

There have been very specific times in the last year or two where I have felt completely stripped of all my comforts, all my intimate relationships, and all things that I could potentially use to fill the ache inside of me. And I have been aware each time that it is Christ working in my life to draw me close to him. Sometimes we are so distracted and so easily satisfied with our intimate earthly relationships, that we don't see the whole inside of us growing deeper and larger the more we don't put Him in it. I have settled for less than the One who can satisfy my heart and my soul. This doesn't mean to say that God doesn't want those intimate and genuine relationships in my life, or the fellowship of other believers. But it does mean that he will remove them if necessary until I learn to seek Him first, to want Him first, and to seek Him out as my all in all.

So more recently, Christ had to take me through another one of these times where he strips me of everything I had turned to before Him. My deepest and most intimate relationships were far from me. I felt disconnected from everyone around me. And in the midst of that I was very aware of what He was doing; only at first I was just mad. I was angry that I had gotten myself into a place where I was trying to fill my heart with anything OTHER than Christ. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is my completion, my sustainer, my everything.

I want this to be my prayer, and the overflow of my heart,

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him..." Philippians 3:7-9

And so in the last month or two I have realized that I am lost; I can't identify with who I am in Christ, who he has made me to be, and who I will become in Him. And thus my journey began, and it is one I have to go alone with Christ, seeking Him daily and listening for His whisper in my life. Taking in His beauty in creation, being filled by His Spirit and letting it flow from my heart, and seeking truth abundantly. And so it was this journey, and the recommendation of Bethann, that brought me to Thomas Merton's "New Seeds of Contemplation".

*SIDE NOTE: For those of you who really know me, you know that in terms of reading books on faith and such, I usually read those that really play to the emotional side of me. But in the last month I realized that I want to start challenging the intellectual side of my faith, to really try and read things that I may not understand the first time, I might have to read over twice, but that will cause me to really think through my faith and my relationship with Christ. I'm really excited about it!!*

So back to Merton, so the first few chapters talk about the "contemplative" and I just barely understand what he is talking about so to explain it might completely confuse everyone, not to mention me. Chapter 4 is entitled "Everything that Is, Is Holy"; and talks about all created things and that they aren't evil because God created them, but they are warped by our own perspective. He says,

"We do not detach ourselves from things in order to attach ourselves to God, but rather we become detached from ourselves in order to see and use all things in and for God."

So basically we get so wrapped up in ourselves and our "false self" that we cannot see that,

"When we are one with God's love, we own all things in Him They are ours to offer Him in Christ His Son. For all things belong to the sons of God and we are Christ's and Christ is God's. Resting in His glory above all pleasure or pain, joy or sorrow, and every other good or evil, we love in all things his will rather than the things themselves, and that is the way we make creation a sacrifice in praise of God. This is the end for which all things were made by God."(Merton)

Hmmm. What a way to think and see the world the things that God has created. Sometimes we do get wrapped up in our own line of thinking. We remove ourselves from the "vine" so to speak and lose the perspective of the only One who can see clearly. There is a reason Jesus tells us,

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself, it must remain int he vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4

We are to rest in Christ and remain in Him. We are called to "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling"(Philippians 2:12). We are to find our identity in Him and Him alone. He is my Creator, the author and perfecter of my faith. He is the only one who knows every corner of my heart and being, all I am and all I will be is His.

"To work out our own identity in God, which the Bible calls 'working out our salvation', is a labor that requires sacrifice and anguish, risk and many tears. It demands close attention to reality at every moment, and great fidelity to God as He reveals Himself, obscurely, in the mystery of each new situation. We do not know clearly before hand what the result of this work will be.
The secret of my full identity is hidden in Him. He alone can make me who I am, or rather who I will be when at last I fully begin to be. But unless I desire this identity and work to find it with Him and in Him, the work will never be done. The way of doing it is a secret I can learn fro no one else but Him. There is no way of attaining to the secret without faith. But contemplation is the greater and more precious gift, for it enables me to see and understand the work that He wants done." ~Thomas Merton

We all long to live fully as who we are in Christ and who we were made to be. And the only place to seek that is in the One who knows that secret, the secret of who I am. I desire to know Him and be known by Him. I want to be fully identified in Christ, to say that,

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20

Lately I have this wonderful sense of anticipation. That the Lord is walking me through a period of my life where I am going to deeply discover more of myself and more of Him along the way. And he has pulled my relationships out of my grasp so that it is only Him that I feel close to and it is Christ that I am yearning for and seeking to make me whole. Even more so I want to fully know Him, to walk intimately with Him and be one with Him as "he and the Father are one". I want to be wholly found in Him that I might give myself away for His sake. For the first time in a long time, I am full of anticipation as I enter the next stage of my life, knowing that He is with me and leading me, drawing me to His side and shaping me into the person He has always known I'd be; and I am willing and ready.

Lastly, "The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God. But whatever is in God is really identical with Him, for His infinite simplicity admits no division and no distinction. Therefore I cannot hope to find myself anywhere except in Him. Ultimately the only way that I can be myself is to become identified with Him in Whom is hidden the reason and fulfillment of my existence. Therefore there is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace and my happiness depend: to discover myself in discovering God. If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him."(Merton).

AMEN!

Rest

2007-07-13T08:38:00.000-04:00

I found this a year or two ago while reading The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis.

"Most sweet and loving Jesus, grant me rest in you above every other creature; above all health and beauty, above all honor and glory, above all power and dignity, above all knowledge and wisdom, above all wealth and talent, above all joy and gladness, above all fame and praise, above all sweetness and consolation, above all hope and promise, above all merit and desire, above all the gifts and favors you shower and offer upon me, above all the happiness and joy the mind can perceive and understand, and finally, above all angels and archangels, above the entire host of heaven, above all things visible and invisible, above everything that is not you, My God."

May this be my prayer for each day, that I would find rest in Him, and Him alone.

"Seek ye first..."

2007-07-11T08:07:00.000-04:00

"Then he said to them all: 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.'" Luke 9:23

As followers of Jesus, we are called to daily make the decision to surrender our lives to Christ. I want to be a follower that wakes up each morning and before I get out of bed, chooses life. I choose Christ. Right then and there, I take my life and lay it down before him, I deny myself and carry my cross to follow him. This can only be done a day at a time. I cannot live out tomorrow, today. Nor can I live yesterday again. I must live one day at a time, and this is no easy feat. It is hard to lay down our lives, if it was easy, it wouldn't be such a sacrifice. But the love and sacrifice of Christ demands a response, and this is what he asks of us,

"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it."
Luke 9:24

I cannot do this on my on strength! It is only in Christ that I am able to live each day for Him and not myself, and "to offer my body as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - which is my spiritual act of worship." (Romans 12:1) And it is a daily act of worship, started a new each day. C.S. Lewis said,

"The thing is to rely only on God. The time will come when you will regard all this misery as a small price to pay for having been brought to that dependence. Meanwhile, the trouble is that relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing has yet been done."

AMEN! We start over each day, or at least, that is how it need to be when we are living by God's grace and strength. Boy do I need to learn to live day by day. My mom says I project(in to the future that is) way too much. She's right. I tend to try and live months ahead of time, and if I analyzed it enough I would probably realize that it's because I don't want to rest where I'm at and wait on the Lord. It probably because I am not living each day as a choice to deny myself and follow him, I am looking toward a big picture that I created. How ridiculous does that sound? "A big picture that I created." Who the heck am I to be creating anything, especially ideas and plans for the future; that belongs to God and Him alone. I tend to plan and then ask Him about it, instead of quieting myself before Him and waiting patiently and silently for His whisper. I love what Brennan Manning says here, every time I read it I literally laugh out loud because I think this is me sometimes,

"Deciding what I most need out of life, carefully calculating my next move, and generally allowing my autonomous self to run amuck inflates my sense of self-importance and reduces the God of my incredible journey to the role of spectator on the sidelines. It is only the wisdom and perspective gleaned from an hour of silent prayer each morning that prevents me from running for CEO of the universe."

So I think this is where I am in life. Learning... to be still and know that He is God. To wait patiently for him to reveal himself to me. To seek His will for my life, rather than planning one out on my own and then asking him about it. To accept His timing, not my own. To open my heart to His call, and to listen for His voice, that often comes in a soft whisper.

Choose Today

2007-07-10T08:22:00.000-04:00

"See, I am setting before you today a blessing and a curse - the blessing if you obey the commands of the LORD your God that I am giving you today; the curse if you disobey the commands of the LORD your God and turn from the way that I command you today by following other gods, which you have not known." ~ Deuteronomy 11:26

We like to think of our faith as a one time choice, a blanket decision that covers the rest of our days in this life; and I guess technically speaking, in certain ways that's true. But not about the way we live out our faith. Each day is a choice, to wake up and either surrender to the Lord, or surrender to our flesh. I think we would like to say that there is a middle ground, a gray area if you will, but if we are honest with ourselves we know that isn't true. We are given a choice each day, and truth be told, it shouldn't be a choice, not a hard one anyway, I mean a "blessing" or a "curse"? One is good and one is bad, one is positive and one is negative; what is there to choose? Matthew Henry, when refering to this passage said,

"Moses sums up all the arguments for obedience in two words, the blessing and the curse. He charged the people to choose which they would have. Moses then appointed a public and solemn proclamation of the blessing and curse, to be made upon the two mountains of Gerizim and Ebal. We have broken the law, and are under its curse, without remedy from ourselves. In mercy, the gospel again sets before us a blessing and a curse. A blessing, if we obey the call to repentance, to faith in Christ, and newness of heart and life through him; an awful curse, if we neglect so great salvation. Let us thankfully welcome these glad tidings of great joy; and let us not harden our hearts, but hear this voice of God while it is called to-day, and while he invites us to come to him upon a mercy-seat. Let us be diligent to make our calling and election sure."

Yes, I have chosen the blessing overall, a life lived in Christ with Him as my rock and my redeamer, the Lord of my life. But I again think that it is a decision I make on a day by day basis as well. And I cannot tell you how many times I wake up and choose the curse over the blessing; all the while knowing what that blessing brings, and that it is what I was made for and what will fulfill my heart and soul. And yet, I still surrender to my flesh, not all the time, but even once makes you look at yourself and ask why? Why do you continue to choose death instead of life, curse instead of blessing, yourself instead of your Creator?

And so my charge to myself is to wake up each day, and choose life, choose the blessing, and

"Fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
~ Hebrews 12:2

And one last note, Audio Adrenaline has a song entitled "This Day" that can outline that choice for each day,

"It's six A.M, I'm so tired

The alarm sounds And the new day begins

Before I go and disturb this peaceful moment

I look to You
I want to say a prayer

Before my feet can hit the ground

Lord I give this day to You "

Oy Vey

2007-07-09T13:57:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure what is going on with my brain today, other than the fact that it isn't working. There isn't a coherent thought coming out of me!

On a side note, I bought Thomas Merton's "New Seeds of Contemplation" today. That should generate some interesting thoughts.

Random Note

2007-07-06T14:28:00.000-04:00

So there is part of me that started this blog with the intention to study more and delve deeper into who Jesus is, what scripture says, and what we can do with that. Because I'm such a feeler, I want to learn to walk my faith intellectually as well, to know the word of God, to write it on my heart, and to speak it with certainty and faith. And most of all, to live a life of learning, seeking, and soaking up whatever knowledge the Lord would lead me to. In light of that statement/thought/revelation: I have a LONG way to go. And that is a bit daunting, or maybe its exciting..... but mostly daunting.

So in that, pray for me, that my heart would be open to the Holy Spirit. To his gentle pushes and pulls, to his quiet whisper; that I would open my heart and my mind fully to the Lord.

An Encouraging Note:

2007-07-06T08:06:00.000-04:00

I did summer staff at Lake Champion back in June of 2002. I was an AM Cook and one of my biggest encouragements and source of laughter that month was a girl from North Carolina names Jenni Bennett. I ended up staying the rest of that summer and occasionally just really struggled with where God had me. I felt confused and alone at times, I shared that with Jenni (who by the way was only 18 at the time...18!..), and this is what she wrote back:

"My love. I am sure, more and more and more and more, that Christ is making himself evident through every aspect of life. I don't just see Christ in believers, I don't just talk to Christ in prayer, and my walk is not limited to growth only when I am at work crew. I am utterly convinced that every single situation in my life I'm going through, good, bad, or seemingly trivial; I am in it to see the face of Christ. And its not like 'Oh Christ, let me learn the lessons I am supposed to today'; its like stop looking for self-realization and start seeking the blessed face of the Lord. Like a bottom line concept, I would say, is that God is going to keep me in my current situations until I delve deep enough to realize what I'm truly living for. So as my soul cries out from deep depths for guidance, Christ is completely saying back to me, 'Jen, there is no way in hell I would let you get into that crappy spot with no purpose. If i have you there, I have you there, and your own strength will never be enough to rescue you. So lock eyes with me, and we will get done what needs to be done.' Whether it be serving, whether it be learning, whatever it is to be for each of us individually; I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is going to accomplish His will. 1 Samuel 3:18 verse b says 'He is the Lord; let him do what is right in his eyes.' That is a promise my friend, that no matter how confused you are about your present circumstances, Christ has every intention of continuing your journey; every intention of continual transformation. Christ is working on your heart, and he will not back down."

I had lost this for a while and then found it again last year and was just floored by the fact that she was so young when she poured out such real and simple truth about Christ and his work in our lives. This continues to encourage me; not only that Christ is continually working and that "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."; but it serves as a reminder that my focus should be on Him, and His face, not on my circumstances or on finding "self-realization". When looking into the blessed face of the Lord; that is where we will find ourselves, and what we were created for.

But seek ye first the kingdom of God...

2007-07-05T08:14:00.000-04:00

So once again this morning I delved into Oswald Chamber's "My Utmost for His Highest", only this time, i stayed on the right schedule: July 5th (although I read the 4th as well). Maybe its me, or rather maybe its the Holy Spirit leading accordingly, but I am coming across literature that is paralleling my life right now.

So if you know me well, you know that I over analyze EVERYTHING and I'm a bit of a worrier; which i know its exactly NOT what the Lord would have me be; because its kind of the epitome of not trusting him. So Chambers was talking about worrying and fretting, and then about planning without God in mind; both things I have done in the last month (well really the worrying....yeah that's more like the last 24 years of my life). He said that "Fretting means getting ourselves 'out of joint' mentally or spiritually" and that "resting in the Lord is not dependent on our external circumstances, but on our relationship with God himself". That second one seems a bit like a "duh" doesn't it? And yet, in the last month, I found myself trying to plan and change my circumstances to create this perfect picture where I thought everything would fall into place well and that is where I would be able to rest in the Lord and seek him and be still. Ridiculous. As i think about it now, I almost have to laugh at my thought process in all of that. You cannot manipulate a situation to be a certain way in hopes of meeting Christ daily more favorably; you simply need to meet him as you are, and allow him to meet you where you are.

All of that being said, somewhere in the last two weeks or so, the Holy Spirit just kind of righted my thinking i guess. I realized that I was planning things, and then asking the Lord about them instead of simply seeking Him and allowing Him to reveal himself to me. In response to that realization; I've been able to surrender (by the grace of God - definitely not me) to that; to lay down my plans and manipulations, and to understand that God is calling me to rest and wait on Him. Which, lets be honest, is not all that easy because we are human and we like to have a plan and to execute it in a quick and orderly fashion. But there is no growth in that, not in rushing through things, or following a how-to list. We must wait, and trust.

"For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay." ~ Habbakkuk 2:3

Growth comes in that sweet surrender to a Father who loves us and knows what is best for us; surrender to His will and His plan, not our own; surrender to letting go of our fears and anxieties about the future, and simply waiting on Him. Something Chambers wrote really stuck with me, he said "Our Lord never worried and was never anxious because His purpose was never to accomplish His own plans but to fulfill God's plans." And the reason that we are able to rest fully and let go of worry when we are purposefully trying to fulfill God's plans, is that they are HIS plans, he is in control. Remember truth, hold fast to it, Christ loves us and "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, and who have been called according to his purpose."(Romans 8:28)

So most of you know that I worked at Lake Champion for almost four years. And a huge part of our job/responsiblity to our work crew was ensuring that we started and closed our days with scripture and prayer. I loved when Bob (Davis, my boss) would share; he just really held fast to truth, and to what scripture promised and spoke to us. One of his favorite passages in scripture is Psalm 37:3-5:

"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him..." And verse 7 follows with "Be still before the Lord, and wait patiently for him; do not fret..."

Bob always said it was almost like a formula: Trust, Delight, Commit. That those were three very straightforward things that we could do in response to who Christ is and who we want him to be in our lives. With trust, comes peace, and an ability to rest in those safe pastures; will the absolute faith that God is who he says he is and he has us in his hands. When we are delighting in the Lord, when this is truth:

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him" (Psalm 62:5)

then our desires line up with Him because we are abiding in him and the Holy Spirit is at work within us, shaping and changing our hearts so that the things we would long for, become those that Christ himself has put in our hearts. And what more can we offer our Savior than our lives? When we commit ourselves to the God of salvation, when we surrender our lives over and commit our ways to him, in the exact way we are designed to; well simply put:

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"(1 Corinthians 2:9)

I guess in all of this, what I am learning, or rather trying to learn, is that I need to simply seek Christ. I need to sit at the foot of the throne of God and wait paitently for him to move. I need to stop planning, stop orchestrating, and simply "BE". Easier said than done, and yet, I don't I have felt more strongly or clearly about anything in my life. there is a peace and I know with all of my heart that this place, at His feet with my head bowed and my heart opened up to him, is exactly where he would want me.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." (Matthew 6:33)

Assurance

2007-07-03T08:09:00.000-04:00

I was reading this morning out of "My Utmost for His Highest"; I'm not on daily schedule with this particular book so I was reading June 4th and 5th and he was talking about the assurance of God in our lives.

The base verses were out of Hebrews 13: 5-6 stating "'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. '" And I started thinking about what I was talking about before; leaning on what we know to be true and not our own feelings. In these two days, Chambers talks about where our thought lies, whether with truth that comes from God, or on our apprehension. I am queen of focusing on apprehension. I over analyze everything under the sun; and it's in that worry and constant analytical state that I lose site of Christ and his truth. Have you ever seen "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves"? There is a part near the beginning when Robin (Kevin Costner) is trying to cross the river into Sherwood Forest and he is stopped by Little John. After fighting it out with big wooden rods, Robin eventually knocks Little John off the bridge into the water. OK, mental picture, Little John (if you have ever seen the movie you know he is not little, try like 6'6" and like 290 lbs. -guess) falls off the bridge and starts freaking out that he's drowning. You have to realize that this is a very real fear to Little John, he cannot swim and he is scared to death of deep water. In the midst of his hysterics, Robin looks down and yells "Stand up!". Little John stops flailing long enough to stumble and stand up; thus realizing he is in about three feet of water. This is such of picture of my life sometimes. I get knocked down by things and start freaking out because cannot get perspective on the situation; all the while the Lord is yelling down on me to "stand up". I forget truth, I forget the Lord's assurance that He "will never leave me nor forsake me". I let my fear and apprehension take hold of me and almost drown me.
In Matthew 14, Jesus walks on water, and as he is out there, Peter (our favorite loudmouth disciple ) asks Jesus to call him out onto the water. Starting in verse 29, "Come," he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" Is this not the same thing?!? The second Peter takes his eyes of Christ and put them on the fear and apprehension of his situation, he began to sink. How often do we take our eyes of Christ because we are so overcome by the circumstances of our situations? We will never walk safely out of those situations until we learn to lock eyes with Christ and let him lead us out of it; we will never walk out of them on our own.

There is a reason that the Lord says "Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32) It is only when resting in his assurance and truth that we are exactly where He wants us to be. It is only there that we can be free from our own fear, apprehension, and doubt about where we are. To wrap it up, Oswald Chambers said:

"I will not be obsessed with apprehension. This does not mean that I will not be tempted to fear, but I will remember God’s words of assurance. I will be full of courage, like a child who strives to reach the standard his father has set for him. The faith of many people begins to falter when apprehensions enter their thinking, and they forget the meaning of God’s assurance— they forget to take a deep spiritual breath. The only way to remove the fear from our lives is to listen to God’s assurance to us."

"Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham

2007-07-02T15:39:00.000-04:00

"The fullness of Your grace is here with me

The richness of Your beauty’s all I see

The brightness of Your glory has arrived

In Your presence God, I’m completely satisfied

For You I sing I dance

Rejoice in this divine romance

Lift my heart and my hands

To show my love, to show my love

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You

Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room

Your innocent blood, has washed my guilty life

In Your presence God I’m completely satisfied"

Humble obedience

2007-07-02T08:49:00.000-04:00

So I'm not really sure how this whole blogging thing goes, but here we go.
So I am a feeler, to the core, and its hard for me to walk in my relationship with Christ relying completely on the intellectual. Unfortunately, we aren't always going to "feel" Jesus, or His presence, or like we want to be reading or praying or evening being around other believers. And yet, that is where obedience comes in I guess. Jesus didn't say "follow me" - when you feel like it; or "deny yourself and take up your cross" - when you feel like it; we are just to simply obey. This has been a life long struggle of mine, the line between feeling and thinking, between what I feel to be true at the moment, and what I know to be true all the time. A friend recently told me that at the points in his life where he really didn't feel like he wanted to read or to engage with the Lord, he would write down ten things he knew to be true about God. This forced him to face what he knew to be true, and thus be able to lean on that understanding and knowledge, not the deception of our feelings. I see where I have had to do this in other places in my life, different relationships and such; and yet when it comes to Christ, more often than not, I tend to just give up, and sit down like a child and pout. I always hated the idea of spending time with the Lord out of duty or habit, instead of desire or adoration. And yet, there is love and adoration expressed through obedience. The Lord wants our hearts, fully and completely, and He is a jealous God and I am convinced now, more than ever that He will strip us of those things we cling to tighter than we should, to make room in our hearts for the One who deserves it, and desires it so much. And so I guess what I have realized in the last few years is that He will not give up on me or let me go, that he will continue to work in my heart, molding me and shaping me, breaking me down, and building me back up, striping away distractions, and placing new blessing in my life, all the while desiring that I would fall more deeply in love with Him, and learn to trust Him with every fiber of my being. It will be obedience that will carry me through those times with out "feeling" and truth that will lead me to the throne of God.

My Heart

2007-07-01T14:59:00.000-04:00

So I guess I am just jumping on every bandwagon there is out there, although I think I like this more than myspace, or rather I feel better about using it... one or the other. I guess my reasoning behind this is that my heart and my head have been going in circles for a long time now, with thoughts and feelings about life and Jesus, and what its all about. So I figured I would get some of that off my chest, out of my head, and on to paper (so to speak). This is how I process things, sharing them, growing as i write and hopefully receiving feedback. Enjoy.