Identity in Christ

This is a long one . . .

Somewhere in the last year or two (maybe longer), without even realizing it, I lost myself. I lost sense of who I was, or rather who I am in Christ. There are times where I think I would sense hints of that, of not really knowing my true self, but I would shrug it off and blame on my current circumstances at the time, or relationships that were in my life. I told a friend once that I felt as though I didn't have any of my "mirrors" around me. You know, those people who know you better than you know yourself and can reflect back to you who you really are. She told me that maybe that was for a reason, and that really I needed to let the One who created me be my mirror.


There have been very specific times in the last year or two where I have felt completely stripped of all my comforts, all my intimate relationships, and all things that I could potentially use to fill the ache inside of me. And I have been aware each time that it is Christ working in my life to draw me close to him. Sometimes we are so distracted and so easily satisfied with our intimate earthly relationships, that we don't see the whole inside of us growing deeper and larger the more we don't put Him in it. I have settled for less than the One who can satisfy my heart and my soul. This doesn't mean to say that God doesn't want those intimate and genuine relationships in my life, or the fellowship of other believers. But it does mean that he will remove them if necessary until I learn to seek Him first, to want Him first, and to seek Him out as my all in all.


So more recently, Christ had to take me through another one of these times where he strips me of everything I had turned to before Him. My deepest and most intimate relationships were far from me. I felt disconnected from everyone around me. And in the midst of that I was very aware of what He was doing; only at first I was just mad. I was angry that I had gotten myself into a place where I was trying to fill my heart with anything OTHER than Christ. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is my completion, my sustainer, my everything.


I want this to be my prayer, and the overflow of my heart,


"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him..." Philippians 3:7-9


And so in the last month or two I have realized that I am lost; I can't identify with who I am in Christ, who he has made me to be, and who I will become in Him. And thus my journey began, and it is one I have to go alone with Christ, seeking Him daily and listening for His whisper in my life. Taking in His beauty in creation, being filled by His Spirit and letting it flow from my heart, and seeking truth abundantly. And so it was this journey, and the recommendation of Bethann, that brought me to Thomas Merton's "New Seeds of Contemplation".


*SIDE NOTE: For those of you who really know me, you know that in terms of reading books on faith and such, I usually read those that really play to the emotional side of me. But in the last month I realized that I want to start challenging the intellectual side of my faith, to really try and read things that I may not understand the first time, I might have to read over twice, but that will cause me to really think through my faith and my relationship with Christ. I'm really excited about it!!*


So back to Merton, so the first few chapters talk about the "contemplative" and I just barely understand what he is talking about so to explain it might completely confuse everyone, not to mention me. Chapter 4 is entitled "Everything that Is, Is Holy"; and talks about all created things and that they aren't evil because God created them, but they are warped by our own perspective. He says,


"We do not detach ourselves from things in order to attach ourselves to God, but rather we become detached from ourselves in order to see and use all things in and for God."


So basically we get so wrapped up in ourselves and our "false self" that we cannot see that,


"When we are one with God's love, we own all things in Him They are ours to offer Him in Christ His Son. For all things belong to the sons of God and we are Christ's and Christ is God's. Resting in His glory above all pleasure or pain, joy or sorrow, and every other good or evil, we love in all things his will rather than the things themselves, and that is the way we make creation a sacrifice in praise of God. This is the end for which all things were made by God."(Merton)


Hmmm. What a way to think and see the world the things that God has created. Sometimes we do get wrapped up in our own line of thinking. We remove ourselves from the "vine" so to speak and lose the perspective of the only One who can see clearly. There is a reason Jesus tells us,


"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself, it must remain int he vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4


We are to rest in Christ and remain in Him. We are called to "continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling"(Philippians 2:12). We are to find our identity in Him and Him alone. He is my Creator, the author and perfecter of my faith. He is the only one who knows every corner of my heart and being, all I am and all I will be is His.


"To work out our own identity in God, which the Bible calls 'working out our salvation', is a labor that requires sacrifice and anguish, risk and many tears. It demands close attention to reality at every moment, and great fidelity to God as He reveals Himself, obscurely, in the mystery of each new situation. We do not know clearly before hand what the result of this work will be.
The secret of my full identity is hidden in Him. He alone can make me who I am, or rather who I will be when at last I fully begin to be. But unless I desire this identity and work to find it with Him and in Him, the work will never be done. The way of doing it is a secret I can learn fro no one else but Him. There is no way of attaining to the secret without faith. But contemplation is the greater and more precious gift, for it enables me to see and understand the work that He wants done." ~Thomas Merton

We all long to live fully as who we are in Christ and who we were made to be. And the only place to seek that is in the One who knows that secret, the secret of who I am. I desire to know Him and be known by Him. I want to be fully identified in Christ, to say that,

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20

Lately I have this wonderful sense of anticipation. That the Lord is walking me through a period of my life where I am going to deeply discover more of myself and more of Him along the way. And he has pulled my relationships out of my grasp so that it is only Him that I feel close to and it is Christ that I am yearning for and seeking to make me whole. Even more so I want to fully know Him, to walk intimately with Him and be one with Him as "he and the Father are one". I want to be wholly found in Him that I might give myself away for His sake. For the first time in a long time, I am full of anticipation as I enter the next stage of my life, knowing that He is with me and leading me, drawing me to His side and shaping me into the person He has always known I'd be; and I am willing and ready.

Lastly, "The secret of my identity is hidden in the love and mercy of God. But whatever is in God is really identical with Him, for His infinite simplicity admits no division and no distinction. Therefore I cannot hope to find myself anywhere except in Him. Ultimately the only way that I can be myself is to become identified with Him in Whom is hidden the reason and fulfillment of my existence. Therefore there is only one problem on which all my existence, my peace and my happiness depend: to discover myself in discovering God. If I find Him I will find myself and if I find my true self I will find Him."(Merton).

AMEN!